In Defense of Hipsters

Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Oh, you don't know?

I am not now nor have I ever been a hipster. I'll admit I pioneered the whole messy hair, bearded stubble, filthy jeans look back in my high school days. I still look this way, but it has nothing to do with trying to be fashionable (not that this is the look du jour anyway, but I do recall a time when people were aping my steez). But when you get right down to it, I'm fucking lazy and lacking in the most rudimentary attention to basic hygiene. I'll also admit that a few of my friends are what you might legitimately call hipsters. But me, I'm just not fashionable enough to be a real hipster. I'm also too lazy. And there's too much midwestern redneck in my blood.

On the other hand, I do have unbelievably good taste in things like music, books, and movies. And so I've watched with chagrin the rise in anti-hipster attitudes we've been seeing lately. Primarily because these anti-hipster attitudes strike me as terribly misdirected. So many people seem to hate hipsters because they are sneering elitists with superior taste, rather than for the real reasons we should hate hipsters: they're basically as stupid as everyone else, they just dress better.

Some people just need to come to terms with the uncomfortable reality that some of us are just a whole lot better than the rest of you. Expecting us not to be snobby about our superior taste is ridiculous. In fact it is fucking ridiculous. What's the point in being better than you, if I have to pretend like I'm not? I'm sure you're slightly above average at something, let's say bowling or whatever. You're proud of that aren't you? Why can't I be proud of the fact that I'm better than you in every concievable thing that matters? You need to stop being a dick about it.

Some of you, I've heard like to say things like, "oh you're clinging to some high-school sense of cool that normal people grow out of." Well, nay to that, I say. You are the one who is clinging to your high school attitudes. Your anti-hipsterism is just another manifestation of the high school ritual where the dumb kids use their numbers to direct animus at their betters. Plus ca change, as they say.

In conclusion, yes, I am going to sneer haughtily at the sitcom watching fans of the Dave Matthews band for whom Longhorn's steakhouse is a night out on the town. That is my privilege, and I've earned it as a member of an elite class of people posessing superior powers of cultural discernment. You don't have to like me, but if you're as fat and happy as you seem, you shouldn't really care now should you?