Friday, April 15, 2005

Internet Douchebaggery Brought To Fruition.

I need some good advice

I’ve been living with my girlfriend for the past two years and she has been supporting me financially while I work on writing my first novel. I have a shitty part time job for spending money, but my girlfriend pays the rent and all of the bills. I rely on her completely financially. I would be destitute without her. This hasn’t been a good situation lately because I feel like the “spark” in our relationship is gone. I love her, but I am not “in love” with her. I haven’t been happy with this situation for some time, but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t leave her, because I’d have nowhere to go. I’d have to get a full time job, and then I wouldn’t have time to write my novel which is my dream. I’m stuck in this catch-22 untill I finally finish this novel, and I have no idea when that will be.

But now I’m scared because I did something really really bad over the weekend while I was drunk. My girlfriend will never forgive me if she finds out about it, and I will be out on my ass lickety-split. The horrible thing I did was have sex with my girlfriend’s little sister. Her sister is super-duper hot. She has huge tits and a nice plump little ass. Also she’s a huge slut and dresses like one too. Sometimes in the past, I used to think about her while I was having sex with my girlfriend. Anyway, we were both very very drunk and whacked out on quaaludes and we started making out. I was playing with her giant titties, and was about to try to fuck her, when she asked me to get her a drink of water. So I went into the kitchen, got some ice, and filled the glass with filtered water, stopped in the bathroom to take a piss and then headed back to the bedroom to find my girlfriend’s little sister passed out on the bed.

I tried to wake her up, but she was completely passed out and snoring. I wasn’t sure what I should do, but I was pretty certain that if she hadn’t passed out, we would have had sex, so I decided to “err on the side of getting laid,” and I had sex with her anyway. She woke up a little bit just as I was about to cum, so I pulled out and jerked off on her tits. She rolled over and fell back asleep without even cleaning it off, which I thought was kinda gross but I didn’t really care. I went to sleep next to her and put my arm around her so that we were spooning.

When I woke up the next day, I was like “what the fuck” right, and I tried to have sex with her again, but she pushed me away and said, “I don’t think we should be doing this.” So I said “You’re not going to tell Lisa are you?” And she said, “I don’t know.” When she said that this great feeling of dread coursed through my veins and I got terribly frightened. I felt like a rat backed into a corner. I grabbed her by the neck, put my nose right in her face, looked her in the eye, and said “If you tell her, I swear to God, I’ll cut your head off you little bitch.” She started crying, and I went to take a shower. When I got out, she was gone.

Do you guys think she’ll tell my girlfriend about us having sex? What should I do? There’s no way I could actually kill her. That’s just not the kind of person I am. I would never ever do something that would hurt another person. But I’m really desperate. If I get kicked out of the apartment, I don’t know what I’ll do. My family is in Nebraska. Most of my friends are pissed off at me right now, and none of them really have the room for me anyway. I have to finish writing this novel. I think it’s really important, and I think God wants me to write it. It’s about a teenage boy who goes to a private boarding school in the northeast, and he’s like really misanthropic and stuff, and he kind of runs away to New York City and tries to get a hooker, but he has a misunderstanding with a pimp, and then this old guy tries to molest him. He ends up in pretty desperate straits, but then he finds Jesus, thanks to a homeless man who becomes his mentor. He learns forgiveness, and God’s love redeems him. I’m thinking at the end of the book he saves some children from a burning building or something, but ends up perishing himself. I don’t know yet though. I’m not that far along, but he does something really cool like that, because he’s a good Christian. I think he has to die in the end though, because I can’t think of how else to end it. I hope it gets made into a movie, and the word of God is spread to some of the people in this society who seem so immoral. So as you can see, it’s really important that I write this book. Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. And I think God would appreciate it too.
A Sampling of Responses:

Please, please, please, please, please tell me that was a joke. I'd hate to have to track you down and kill you by shoving a garbage can up your urethra.

that was the most detailed fake post i've ever seen. practicing your storytelling skills?
not really sure what kind of shit you're trying to start.. but hey. it was better than another round of JM vs caesar.
i hope when i check this board tomorrow it isn't full of people who bought that and are actually going to either give you advice or rip out your guts for raping that girl.. so hopefully this will cut them off in advance..
To which I retorted:

Well aren't you special for spotting a fake post? No. The answer is no. Here's a goldstar for you, retard, since you seem to want it so badly.


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It was the qualludes man, nobody does that anymore.

And the novel you're writing, at least the first half, it's called 'Catcher in The Rye'. The interpreting Holden Caufield as misanthropic is a pretty half-assed reading of the text.

Forget writing. Prepare yourself for middle-management like the rest of us.
My response:

Thanks for the literary lesson, Professor. And good job on spotting the plot of the one book you were forced to read in highschool. If I somehow included "Boo Radley," I'd bet you could feel really proud of yourself, having recognized the two books even highschool dropouts know. And it's nice to see you're still "with it" enough to recognize that nobody has done quaaludes in about 20 years. Nice sleuthing there, douchebag.

Then there was this guy:

Hola Amigo,

What you need to do in this situation is to prioratize. It sound like your novel is the most important thing right now and that you are pretty close to getting it done. You CANT let that little slut ruin this for you. But if she tells your girl your probly done for. It sucks you had to threten her life but maybe it worked. If she is young and dumb like you said she probly afraid of you now. And also more atractive to you. You might be able to tap that again bro. Then she is just as guilty as you and telling her sister will be harder. But in case she does blab you need a perfect story... since your a writer this will be easy. Tell your girl her bitch little sister is a lying psycho and is making it up to frame you because you would'nt lend her money for some heroin. Make your girl dout her. Steal some of your girl's jewelry and put it somewhere that makes it seem like her sister done it. But like I said before, if you can pork her again when she's awake that would be the best.

Let us know when your novel is done. Maybe you should post the first chapter on here or something. That would be cool.
To which I said:

That is some seriously good advice. Thank you. I'm going to call her and ask her if she wants to go dancing tonight. This needs to be nipped in the bud.

Also all of you people who are talking about Catcher in the Rye don't know what you are talking about. My main character's name is Paul Schipul, not Holden Caulfield. You are all just jealous. My book is nothing like Catcher in the Rye.

And Finally:
The book has already been written: A Catcher in the Rye. Whether this post is fake or not, you need help. Probably mechanical like electroshock.

IF this is a true post, would you like it if someone molested you and then threatened you? It would make you feel worthless. Don't blame it on the quaaludes and drinking. You took the quaaludes and you made the choice to drink. The fact that someone suffered from your behavior is your fault.
To which I responded:

Did you even read my post? I am the one who is suffering, not her. Why would she put me through this? Why would someone be so mean as to tell her sister something that is only going to result in really bad consequences for me? That's just not nice. And I really don't think that is something that Jesus would do. Also, thanks for your advice and all about the electroshock, but I get all of the help I need from God, not fake medicine like psychiatry. When you pray and you have faith, you don't need quackery. So shut up. You are exactly the kind of person who would benefit from reading my book when it is finished.

Some Final Thoughts:

So no one really fell for this one, which is kind of a bummer. One might think that that is not at all surprising, but I actually thought that this one was more believable than some of my prior stuff. I don't think it hurt the quality of the post this time, but I think Philadelphia Craigslist has been burned out. Other people have started posting obvious fakes since I posted this last one, and no one is falling for those either. Clearly I need to find a new, more fertile stomping ground, whether that is a different city on Craigslist, or somewhere else altogether. And remember, take care of yourself and eachother.


At 1:07 PM, Blogger Titty Lover said...

Thank you! Just thank you! I love it.

At 11:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I hadn't read this one until now... I was browsing your brilliant archives. I think the reason no one really bought it was because it read like a well-written piece of fiction. I don't really know how you could remedy that, but it doesn't matter, because I laughed my ass off anyway and I enjoyed that one dude's quality advice.

Come to LA anytime you want,
Patrick P.


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