It's a Terribly Thin Line Between Clever and Stupid

Because a society is measured by how it treats the libidinous and virile, we must strive to build a culture of gratuitous fucking. Medical research can help us reach that goal, by developing treatments and cures for all fauna of sexually transmitted diseases and by helping people overcome unwanted pregnancies with more convenient ways of terminating them -- and I thank the television show Sex and the City for providing role models for women and encouraging the abandonment of Victorian sexual attitudes and the promotion of sexual enjoyment without pesky emotional attachments. To build a culture of gratuitous fucking, we must also ensure that our understanding of relationships always serve raging erections and distended vaginas, not encourage the monogamy and delayed gratification of yesterday for the benefit of some limp-dicked asshole’s pettiness and belief that he is in love. We should all be able to agree on some clear standards. I will work with the sex industry to ensure that genitalia are available for couple and group play and pornography is not created solely for onanism, though that is a practice that we shall all continue to enjoy no matter how often we are gratified in the company of others. And we should all agree that human sexuality is never to be thought of as something that can be owned or enjoyed exclusively by one person. America will and must overtake Europe to lead the world in sexual mores that are ambitious, aggressive, and always satisfying.