Monday, February 14, 2005

This One's For The Ladies

Dublin 2 December 1909

My love for you allows me to pray to the spirit of eternal beauty and tenderness mirrored in your eyes or fling you down under me on that softy belly of yours and fuck you up behind, like a hog riding a sow, glorying in the very stink and sweat that rises from your arse, glorying in the open shape of your upturned dress and white girlish drawers and in the confusion of your flushed cheeks and tangled hair. It allows me to burst into tears of pity and love at some slight word, to tremble with love for you at the sounding of some chord or cadence of music or to lie heads and tails with you feeling your fingers fondling and tickling my ballocks or stuck up in me behind and your hot lips sucking off my cock while my head is wedged in between your fat thighs, my hands clutching the round cushions of your bum and my tongue licking ravenously up your rank red cunt. I have taught you almost to swoon at the hearing of my voice singing or murmuring to your soul the passion and sorrow and mystery of life and at the same time have taught you to make filthy signs to me with your lips and tongue, to provoke me by obscene touches and noises, and even to do in my presence the most shameful and filthy act of the body. You remember the day you pulled up your clothes and let me lie under you looking up at you while you did it? Then you were ashamed even to meet my eyes.

You are mine, darling, mine! I love you. All I have written above is only a moment or two of brutal madness. The last drop of seed has hardly been squirted up your cunt before it is over and my true love for you, the love of my verses, the love of my eyes for your strange luring eyes, comes blowing over my soul like a wind of spices. My prick is still hot and stiff and quivering from the last brutal drive it has given you when a faint hymn is heard rising in tender pitiful worship of you from the dim cloisters of my heart.

Nora, my faithful darling, my seet-eyed blackguard schoolgirl, be my whore, my mistress, as much as you like (my little frigging mistress! My little fucking whore!) you are always my beautiful wild flower of the hedges, my dark-blue rain-drenched flower.

---James Joyce

Happy Vagina Day!!!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Being a Dick over Email

So I read this in the best of craigslist postings.

And I really just felt obligated to send its author the following email:

Hey I just wanted to tell you that that Men's Personal Ads Compared to Women's Ads post really sucks. I mean, I know you can't help it that what you wrote sucks, cause if you could've written something better you probably would have. And I'm sure you're a nice person and all, maybe a little dumber than most, but being dumb's not a sin. And you're a lot less creative and funny than you think you are. Again, that's not a sin, either. But man that post really really sucked. I rarely bother to tell people that. But you're a special case. Good luck in life. I'm sure you make some decent jack working in business somewhere in one way or another making sure much richer people get to keep their money, so you got that going for you. So, you know, keep your head up. And Don't worry too much that your post sucks.

His response:

“yes, click on the "best of cl" it's there....thanks for the hate mail skippy”

My response:

Really toots, what's that supposed to prove? It wasn't hate mail. It was constructive advice. And don't call me skippy.

His response:

ok preston (aka SKIPPY)....did u get the piss beat out of you a lot
with a name like that??? and why does my posting strike such a nerve
with you that you felt compelled to respond in such a hateful ,angry,
defensive manner ? do you need a hug skippy???

My response (this email kept getting bounced back so I think he blocked my email address, so I just switched to a different account and sent it from there):

I'm the one that seems to have touched a nerve lady. I was just trying to let you know that your post sucked. But that's okay. Sucking is not a sin. But you follow up my email with the name calling and the anger. That's not very mature.

Do I need a hug? If you're asking me because you want me to hold you in my muscular arms, brush the hair back from your face, and reassure you that you're still a wonderful, unique, and beautiful individual, even though your post sucks, well okay, maybe I can oblige you. But if you're asking me if I NEED a hug, well, the answer is no, not particularly. But I never turn down hugs. So I'll still give you one.

His response:

Dude you are a freak. I am a guy. The posting is SATIRE ! It is a
knock on woman's postings. UGHHH.... I know you can't be that stupid.
Click on the "Best of Craigslist" from the mainpage and you will see
an earlier version posted that most CL readers thought was hysterical
and most understood was SATIRE !!!! I love the internet - ughhhh.

My response:

Oh now I totally get it. Man I was so wrong. So that's what SATIRE looks like huh? Wow, you totally deserve to be on the "Best of Craigslist" for that post. I'm sorry.

I hope that made you feel better so that you can stop harassing me over email. I just want to remind you, it's okay that your post sucks.

Un-fucking-believably he responds:

are you on meds ? i am "harrassing" you ? are the one that
sent that oh-so-nice initial email you jackass....then you think i am
a woman....preston ,skippy, whoever you are get some therapy, double
up the meds or something....i am amazed people like you actually are
able to function....go "harass" someone else skippy......

I almost don’t want to bother, but here goes:

Listen, my mental health is not on trial here. And face it, you write like a woman. Now I'm sorry that your post sucks. And I'm sorry that you refuse to accept that. I've been trying to help you realize that you're still a good person. But there's only so much I can do here. Now I suggest you calm down, look deep inside yourself, and give yourself permission to write really sucky posts, that other really lame people will vote as best of craigslist. Good luck my friend.

Then he merely forwarded this email back to me without responding, which I’ll admit confused me. So Kudos to you shitty Craig’s List poster. You’ve, in some way, one-upped me.